Colonoscopy: 4.5/5 Stars, Highly Recommend

I’m taking a break from my usual archaeology-related writing today to talk about colonoscopies. Yes, the dreaded procedure where they stick a camera up your derrier to make sure your colon isn’t all cancerous and such.

First, let me assure my loyal readers that I did not have fatal butt-itis.

For those who have never had the pleasure of one of these routine screenings — this was my first, and I’m very young to get one because of that stupid family medical history — the whole thing starts about five days before with a low fiber diet.

You read that right. A low fiber diet. I didn’t know such a thing existed, but it does, and is apparently useful to take pictures of the insides of your colon.

No big deal, right? I mean, a high fiber diet is usually lots of healthy stuff, so low fiber is an excuse to eat fondue and steaks for almost a week.

Ugh. It’s actually pretty exhausting finding things that don’t have much fiber. These days, food is just so healthy, you’re pretty much stuck with those steaks and fondue. Even most breads are whole grain. I blame the government, because that’s who I usually blame for things (them and the neighbor’s cat, who unbeknownst to my wife is actually super chill and takes the heat for all manner of things I and the kids do).

You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but I actually am pretty reliant upon fruits and vegetables for my daily sustenance. But those are right out, and you must turn…